


Sometimes I Don't Fall Apart

by thecoloursinthegravel



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 10:12:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7263799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecoloursinthegravel/pseuds/thecoloursinthegravel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Josh can see what he’s doing and sometimes his head screams “get out, get out, you know it isn’t real!”. Sometimes lying with Tyler makes him think about how he will want this forever, and reminds him that Tyler will not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes I Don't Fall Apart

Sometimes lying with him makes Josh feel warm. Sometimes lying with him feels like the smell of home after a long day; like the feeling of fluffy socks and the taste of hot chocolate in winter. Like a proper hug, one that holds no awkwardness or uncertainty; like Bolognese but instead of spaghetti, you’re eating it with penne pasta because that’s how you like it best. Like happy drunk and promises that everything is going to be okay; like hearing yourself say that and believing it. Sometimes lying with Tyler makes Josh feel like he was made for this moment. Makes Josh feel like if he moved he’d be making the worst decision of his life. Makes Josh feel like this is everything he’s ever needed and more. Sometimes lying with Tyler makes Josh think he’s finally made it.

But sometimes, sometimes lying with Tyler makes his heart ache and his lungs tighten and sometimes it gets really hard to breathe. Sometimes Josh can see what he’s doing and sometimes his head screams _“get out, get out, you know it isn’t real!”_. Sometimes lying with Tyler makes him think about how he will want this forever, and reminds him that Tyler will not. Lying with Tyler can make Josh’s eyes prick with tears and his brain fill with doubt and panic and mocking, mocking voices because he _knows._ But he doesn’t want to know, not right now, not right now, not right now. Josh just wants to lie with Tyler and feel like home and hugs and happiness. Josh just wants to lie with Tyler and love him, unashamedly, until he forgets why there’s something wrong with that.

Lying with Tyler is like lying with the stars; like being surrounded in this ethereal glow that Josh himself could never dream of being allowed to touch. Like being surrounded by nothing but ocean and all the mysteries and beauty it holds, but still being able to breathe. Lying with Tyler feels like winning at a game you thought you could only ever lose. Lying with Tyler is Josh being granted with a gift he does not deserve. Lying with Tyler is what Josh concludes is the best thing in the entire world.

Which is why when, on those sometimes when lying with Tyler is painful and reminding and Josh can’t stop himself from knowing, Josh still thinks that it is worth it. Still thinks that it is worth going through that pain, just as long as, sometimes, he can pretend.

Sometimes he can pretend that Tyler loves him too.

 

 

 

      


End file.
